I was talking with a good friend who shared an incident that took place when he was 14. His stepfather had been abusing him for about a decade and after one particular incident, he stood outside the house with a friend, baseball bat and steel pipe in hand, and told the son-of-a-bitch to, "Come on. Try and get me now. I'll beat you to death. You can't do this to me forever!" It was that last statement that hit me like a ton of bricks. Do teenagers in shitty situations actually look for a way out?!
Through my 20's and into my early 30's, I never once thought of intentionally walking away from my family (and by extension, the cult). I was 34 years old before I found the courage to change paths. The culture in which I grew up was one where enmeshed boundaries were the norm, not only in families, but in the larger community. Everyone was connected through family, work, school, and church. We stayed to ourselves. We didn't date or involve ourselves outside of our ethnic group. Certain traditions were common, regardless of where one lived in the good ole US of A. Newly acquainted individuals would play a game called "Bingo." More than likely, by naming individuals you knew, you would find someone in common. Everyone knew everyone. All of these things conspired to reinforce the idea the cult had so meticulously and insidiously planted in my mind and echoed incessantly, "you can never, ever leave."
I'm suddenly reminded of Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory tv show. He struggles to understand the workings of human emotion and and social interaction. I struggle to understand how a non-dissociated person lives life with all of its complexities. Here's a looooong story to give an example:
Two weeks ago, my Ball Python, George, got sick. He hadn't eaten all winter, and when he did have an opportunity to eat, he didn't. He ended up dehydrated and was going down fast. My first emotional response was this deep, sinking agony and anger. Hadn't we lost enough in the last eight months?!
- I found out an amazing amount of my personal property that had been stored at my friend's son-of-a-bitch step-father's (see second paragraph) had been given away to strangers. I had so many personal mementos and Christmas ornaments collected over the course of my entire life. I was devastated.
- Our pet duck, whom I rescued from the middle of a 6-lane intersection when it was only a day old, went missing.
- A week after adopting two stray dogs from the shelter, they killed our pet chicken. Let me correct that and say they ripped her apart in from of me. We brought them back to the shelter the same day so I had three losses at once.
- Two pet rats also died, one of them horribly.
- About a month later, my husband, who is self-employed, lost his only client due to a work slow down. He was out of work for almost three months.
- Throw in some bullshit legal proceedings which unfairly impacted our finances and we were in rough shape.
- We ended up two months behind in all of our bills and were afraid of being evicted.
By now, your thinking that, "Of course you were angry! You'd experienced a lot of loss already!" True, but let me tell you about the good things that had happened along the way, too. First, the relationship with my husband was allowed to bloom. We were experiencing a lot of pain and things could have gone either way, but thank God, it brought us closer together, rather than driving a wedge between us. Second, when one avenue of community help was closed, another one opened and our rent was paid for one month. Third, my husband's client realized their need for him and made arrangements to rehire him. Fourth, we started attending a church, that while challenging in many respects, is still a place where we can learn and we met a great couple with whom we made a connection. Fifth, we saw victory in the court situation both legally and spiritually. Sixth, God used a complete stranger to affirm things spoken to me years ago and about His love for me.
So the scales of justice seem to be balancing out, right? Not so fast. We have about a month of relief where things seem to be on the upswing and then out of nowhere, I end up losing my job because my boss felt threatened by my independence and innovation. I wasn't entirely surprised since it was something I sensed coming for a few months, but the way it happened was pretty crappy. It left me in a precarious position professionally and it felt a bit like a teeter totter from day to day as I gathered information and made plans to open my own practice. We're not done yet. Oh, no. My husband went to work this past Monday only to find that his direct boss, who is out-of-state, was no longer with the company. Uh oh! Who is the new person and how is this going to affect my beloved's job? He's freaking out, I'm trying to stay optimistic about my practice getting off the ground and then there's the dental bill. Oh yes...$1400 for four crowns and only $1200 credit left. That means another $200 out-of-pocket over the next month. S-T-R-E-S-S That's right, folks, we've been feeling just a teensy, tiny little bit freaked-the-fuck-out! We have a strong faith in our Heavenly Father (part of the story to come) to take care of us but it has been sorely tested.
Back to George...when I found out George was likely going to die, I was ready to just say "F-You!" to God. In fact, I actually did say it. More than once, in fact. I was pissed off because there had just been so much taken from us that it didn't seem fair and when was it going to end and would it always be this much of a struggle??? Aaahhh!
But again, the good things that came in the middle of it were undeniable. For instance, I had been previously working to sort through a large stack of worship music I'd collected through the years I'd been on praise team at my old church. Each song brought back to mind who I knew God to be in ways that came from a place deep within that couldn't be shaken. I was strengthened.
Another time, my hubby prayed for me, expressing our frustration with God. I wasn't feeling positively predisposed towards God at that moment, but okay, go ahead and pray. A few minutes later, we saw three deer running through our side yard. Deer have always been a special sign from God to me letting me know that He knew.
Professionally, I'm being blessed, too. Within a week of losing my job, I found a new, affordable space and my clients are all following me to the new office. I was able to make arrangements to further my credentials, as well. The money we needed to secure the space had a deadline and with the changeover at my husband's work, we didn't know if we would meet it or not. But yes, against the odds, the money was in the bank account on time.
I was ecstatic and grateful and amazed and humbled by how God was working things out. But I couldn't stay there. Any little thing would make me feel pissy. I was edgy and closed-off. I was picking fights with the love of my life and seeing him as my enemy. What was going on????!!!! I was invited by a girlfriend to attend a women's worship night at another church. Worship has always been a source of joy and strength and sets me straight, but not that night. I would rather have gone to the bar. But I obediently went and I wanted so badly to give myself over to the worship and everything that the Holy Spirit could and would do within me. Instead, I found myself wanting to shout at God and give him the proverbial finger.
This is something that's different about me than others too. My feelings can conflict in a way that is either/or rather than both/and. Some feelings can seem as if they have no source. Or even if there is a source, it's foreign to me. I couldn't worship because I was feeling more of what another part was experiencing. And she finally had it out with God.
This is how good He is. During that worship time in which I did not worship, I/she told Him how she felt. Here was the dialogue:
Her: "You don't love me."
Jesus: "I loved you so much I died for you. I came to get you."
Ignoring Jesus and addressing God the Father: "You died to buy her. I'm just the unwanted step-child that you got in the deal." (The "her" she is referring to is me because she sees herself as separate but necessarily connected to me)
That's where the conversation more or less stopped. She listened to all the lyrics of the songs and decided she really didn't believe that God was good and loving. He was going to have to prove it to her. She has a specific request in mind about how that should look but I don't know if her Heavenly Father, who loves her so wonderfully and perfectly is going to respond in that particular way. It's between them so I'm not sharing it here, but whatever He does, I'm expecting it to be heart and life-changing.
My take-away from this is that the way I think and feel is different than most people. I wonder if someday I'll be fully integrated and will the way I go through life change? Do I even want that? I'd be happy with cooperation and co-conscious living among all of us alters even if there's no integration, as long as there was healing.
It's late. I've been at this for a couple of hours and I'm never satisfied with the finished work. That means I should probably quit. There is definite benefit to journalling, whether it's online or the old fashioned pen and paper. Sharing publicly is empowering. It gives voice to those inside who think they're overlooked and forgotten. I want them to know that they're not unwanted and that they matter. So this one's for them.
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